Feb. 24th, 2009

myblackeyedfire: (Icarus)
I've got John Wayne stances, I've got Errol Flynn advances, and it doesn't mean a doggone thing.

Having failed for years, I've got to try harder to achieve brevity. This post will come closer to success than previous attempts, and fail still.

In the six years I've had this journal, the number of times I've written something deeply personal or intentionally revealing has been minimal. Either this is a reinforced habit I'm in need of breaking, or it isn't. I'm not yet sure.

Being willing to put up with shit to feel liked and wanting to be of help aren't mutually interchangeable, despite how it may appear. It is necessary to reinforce for others that I don't tend to volunteer to do anything I am not prepared or willing to do.

Taking breaks to rest and remembering to fulfill basic needs are not signs of weakness.

There's humor in realizing how likely it is that the degrees to which some people have been nice to me is because of Jeff, and not my innate sparkly amazing snowflake fabulosity. There's comfort in finding sufficient sincerity there, too.

When in charge, giving less directions rather than more produces better results.

Believing in someone's intuition and ability to use tarot cards accurately is not contradicted by questioning how much of that flows from solid people-reading skills and my own temporary willingness to bare more of myself to a stranger.

It is acceptable to feel delight and pleased surprise. It is acceptable to feel cynicism as long as its prevalence is kept in check. Fear is the mind-killer. I need to be in better control of my emotions.

I can't easily fake attentive concern, let alone common politeness, nor do I try to unless absolutely necessary. Others are less limited in their abilities.

For all that I've learned about myself, where and how I want to go forward in the last two years of pondering this, I've done little more than scratch the surface. Holding myself back for fear of rejection and difficulty is understandable and must be weeded out. Pauses are expected, and so are periods of activity or proactive shifts. This is a time for both.

Not everything is my fault. Not everything is my responsibility. I had better deal with what is on my own as much as possible. I had better be more assertive about my needs.

I'm better at being myself than I realize most of the time.

Sleep is to be taken more seriously, starting now.

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myblackeyedfire

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